How many people are genuinely ready for an apocalypse?

I mean, seriously prepared. I know I’m not… I have no bunker, no food/drink to keep me alive, no serious weapons and no specific zombie plan in place. Sure, I know all of the things that make up a zombie plan, but I have some serious thinking to do before Z-Day comes along.

What about you guys, how prepared are you?

Machetes, Katanas, Scimitars, Sabres, Hatchets, Axes…

What do they all have in common? They’re all very sharp, have infinite ammunition, zero reload time and are acknowledged world-wide as totally fucking bad-ass.

By all means, use guns as much as you want, but remember,

“Guns for show, knives for a pro”…

Just do it as much as you can, because to be honest, once society has crumbled, you can wave goodbye to your bank account and the chance of having any more sex.

Moral of the story: Appreciate every day on Earth while you’re still alive.

Never underestimate the power of the van.

It’s big, it’s strong and it will make you feel like you’re the only girl in the world.

But yeah, in all seriousness, you’re gonna need:

• Something to keep your shit in
• Something to sleep in, if it’s not safe to go outside
• Something to ram zombies out of the way, without slowing down
• Something that will survive bombardment from zombies
• Something that you can paint a red stripe down the side of and still feel awesome, even though there’s nobody alive to see it.

I know it sounds horrible, but you’re gonna have to be really fucking responsible when it comes to drug use. If you smoke weed every day, your chances of surviving are pretty minimal.

We all know that people aren’t that mobile when they’re high, so keep that shit for special occasions, i.e. “I have 10 minutes to live”, or “I just shot my best friend in the face”.

However, under no circumstances would I recommend dropping acid/shrooms when there’s zombies coming to eat you. That’s basically the definition of a bad trip.

When you have a couple hours to live, you’re probably gonna have sex with the nearest person to you. You wont care if they’re hot, if they have an STI, if they’re the same sex or anything like that. You’re just gonna want to get laid one last time.

If it turns out that you’re a single woman that has tagged along with a bunch of guys for protection, and you become surrounded with no escape. Things aren’t looking up for your dying moments. (Unless you’re into that kind of thing, idk, it looks a bit painful)…

If you’re a single man that offered to help out a bunch of women and offer protection, well, you’re gonna have a pretty spectacular going out party. So remember, help out as many people as you can, favours will be the only currency in zombieland.

Remember, though… Sex is NOT appropriate unless you can make SURE that you wont be attacked during it.

DO NOT GET CAUGHT WITH YOUR PANTS DOWN.

THE KNIGHT XV.

It will cost you an arm and a leg to get one, well, £325,000 to be precise.

But hey; if it saves your other arm and leg in the future, totally worth it.

(Click here for link)

• Bullet-proof
• Bomb-proof
• Fire-proof
• Oxygen breathing system
• Run-flat tyres
• Night vision
• 400bhp, 6.8-litre V10 engine.

If the zombie invasion does in fact commence this weekend, then I should hope you did your research. And I would like to wish you all the best of luck.

Now my children, devise your plans and flee to the country to further plot your vengeance

I would highly recommend having a zombie apocalypse movie marathon in the meantime.

And if it comes true, (Oh please God, let it be true) then we can rub it in the face of everyone that said the world would end in 2012. (Because that will be of the utmost importance when the world is about to end).